My Birthday In A Brothel
To say i’ve had an eventful teenage life would be pretty spot on if we’re being honest. Often beyond my control and completely unrealistic; stuff tends to just happen when it comes to me. I’ve been detained and escorted out of the city I call home after being suspected as a possible terrorist threat to the prime minister. I’ve been chased through the streets of London by hoards of police officers just for trying to blag my way into a Hannah Montana concert. I’ve accidentally been accused of “disrespecting the memory of the Queen mother” and threatened with arrest by more London police officers. I’ve been spat on and chased by one of this country’s highest profile footballers simply for trying to do my job. I’ve had my love for a famous celebrity misunderstood and been branded a psycho in the British press. The list is endless. So obviously with me turning 20 in a couple of days and bidding farewell to my teenage years, spending the last few days doing as much mad shit as possible seemed the right thing to do!
The fun started last weekend at ASDA whilst in the middle of me weekly shop when I got a call from a buddy telling me McFly just walked into the cinema he’s in. Obviously the shopping got dumped, my phone went into overdrive and 90 minutes later there’s a group of us, we’re drunk & we’ve just met our favourite band again for the 2837 millionth time. Clearly not satisfied with this random opportunistic meeting, we then headed to the bar we suspected they’d be heading to later on and had some drinks, met them again …and In Jades case, stole the soft furnishings whilst the waiter wasn’t looking. Now with the knowledge my favourite band were in my town, the next day was spent drinking in Jades hotel room. And as the alcohol kept flowing, our behaviour got somewhat reckless and before we knew it we’d completely trashed our £150 a-night-room inside Manchester most exclusive 5 star. Much to the annoyance of the other hotel residents, and staff, we then proceeded to run up and down the hallways singing and dancing whilst wearing bed sheets, before blagging our way onto the guest-list of a party one of the band was DJ-ing at on Deansgate. Surprisingly hangover free and reeking of alcohol and sweat, the next morning we left our room still in last night’s booze stained clothes to discover The Saturdays in the lobby & a hoard of paparazzi outside the front door! Obviously made out I was there biggest fan ever, got a tad excited, told them I’m going to every date on their tour & had some pictures with them.
A few days later a group of us then headed up to Doncaster to see my teens out in true style by watching the band that single handedly brought us together all those years ago. The band obviously being McFly, again. After spending the majority of my teenage life travelling the country with this group I’ve friends I’ve made thanks to the passion we all share for this band, this was the FIRST TIME in that entire duration I was trusted to arrange accommodation for everybody and book the hotels. And it’s safe to say I fucked it up. This become immediately apparent the second we told our taxi driver where to take us & his face grimaced in disgust. He told us how the hotel is predominantly used by prostitutes, how the area is a drug dealing “hot spot” and HOW THE ONLY TOILET IS COMMUNAL AND TO BE SHARED BETWEEN ALL THE GUESTS!! Now absolutely petrified we stormed into the lobby and screamed “ARE WE GOING TO GET RAPED HERE?”. The receptionists quick witted reply of “only if you want to” sealed with a cheecky wink really did then set the tone for this entire establishment. To try and numb the reality of this holiday-from-hell worthy shit hole we were stuck in, we got some serious drinking on and me and Katherine decided a fun game would be taking our tops of and flashing at people driving past. Arguably people enjoyed Katherine’s chest more than mine, but we soon remembered where we were and quickly covered up before we caught aids from the furniture or something. As the window was the most entertaining thing in the hotel room, the 10 of us then squashed up against it and sang a selection of McFly songs to some fans out in the car park who had flown over from Norway for the show. Not entirely sure how they perceived our impromptu performance as their English wasn’t the best, their awkward giggles and bemused expressions simply encouraged us to do an encore! Something they spent the duration of recording which will presumably become a YouTube smash any time now.
After taking the party down to the car park due to a ridiculous number of noise complaints, we all started feeling slightly at home and I thought poking my head through peoples windows on the ground floor asking if they were also here for McFly and if they’d like to join us would be fun. Surprisingly not everybody appreciated the friendly greeting; especially not the girl getting changed in 106. Apologies once again 106, I can assure you I am not a pervert. As we continued getting drunk Cassi discovered a great new way to drink wine whilst adding a little flavour … by pouring it into an empty pack of crisp and drinking it from that. Remember you heard it here first guys. However the fun soon turned to disaster as I accidentally walked into a pipe and my face begin bleeding. The receptionist was unsurprisingly less than helpful as I shouted “I’M GONNA SUE YOU AND YOUR SHIT HOTEL ..DO YOU HAVE A PLASTER FIRST THO?” and after a quick clean up we headed up to the race course for the gig.
To say we stood out would be a slight under exaggeration. As we were a little early the races were still on and the place was absolutely crawling with middle aged snobs wearing wedding hats & unflattering dresses. Urinating in the bushes outside with the girls because the toilet queue was to long didn’t particularly help us fit in any better, but we didn’t mind. McFly soon came on and after getting kicked out the VIP box we tried to watch from, the show was amazing! Afterwards we of course wanted to meet them and snook backstage and pounced on Dougie as he walked from the stage door to the dressing room. He wished me a happy birthday. I smiled. And we then got removed from the backstage area for “causing harassment” or something like that and went for drinks in the town centre. Exhaustion from the all day drinking session soon started to set in and we headed back to our lovely little hotel and started running up and down the hallways in our underwear knocking on peoples doors and throwing things around. Probably best to leave town when we did in all honesty, as Cassi thought it would be hilarious to shout “I’M A RIOTER PC PLOD” at police men and then run into a bakery shouting “I’M GONNA LOOT YA”. Essentially it was hilarious, but our sense of humour doesn’t always translate over too well and this topic of conversation is still a little touchy….
ps: corries coming on in a minute so cba proof reading, sorry for shit spelling.
