Greggs Dead, Scouse Stalking & How Not To Pick Up Women.
Guess who quit their job and is once again unemployed and spending their days watching Loose Women? ME! Which of course means I’m back to posting lengthy tales like this about all the fun stalking adventures I’m having, you know, instead of actually contributing something to society. Also not to brag but I just thought I’d throw this in (I’m totally bragging), my autobiography has now sold in 17 different countries. Arguably I could now class this as my “profession”, but I don’t even think ASDA would employ me with “Once wrote 70,000 words on how to annoy Miley Cyrus” on my C.V. Also does anybody else find it absolutely ridiculous that I have an autobiography out? I truly do.
This weekend I went up to Liverpool to catch up with the Strictly Come Dancing tour. I’ve never watched the show in my life, I hate dancing; but Harry from McFly was there and I love McFly, so this was enough for me to brave the land of the scouse. We usually have no trouble locating hotels of the famous, but for once in our lives we were failing. It was only then as the Vodka came out, 10 hours had passed and an unfortunate paparazzi shot of someone from Waterloo Road hit the Daily Mail Online that we struck luck after comparing the brief bit of wall you see behind her in the shot to every hotels online gallery.
Now confident with the hotel, dressed up and vodka down our pants we went to the bar they’d be having the after party at. As lovely and lavish as 5 star hotels are, in no way can £8 be justified for a Vodka and Coke so taking your own booze with you is a clear necessity. Beyond intoxicated by the time the “stars” had even arrived back, literally all pouncing on Harry as he tried to run past to his room to watch Match Of The Day was somewhat hilarious. Thankfully he came back a while later to say hi and brought up the last time he seen us …surrounded by security backstage at the shows live final last month. For some reason he expected nothing less from us and found it as hilarious as we did. With Jade then falling down the stairs and empty bottles of Tesco Vodka cluttering the hotel toilets, our cover as non-residents was soon blown; so we split up and Elz and I went and invited ourselves to the Strictly Judges table. Unsure who was famous, who was a nobody, and why exactly we’d just sat amongst this group of strangers; turning to the man sat next to me and screaming “OMG YOUR LOUIS WALSH” in his face was all kinds of hilarious. As his friends then stopped all other conversation and looked at us in utter confusion, the man was quick to play the “do you not know who I am card?” But I didn’t know he was, I’ve never watched Strictly in my life! Conversation then went a little like this for several minutes; “Sorry for inviting ourselves over, but we just love you Louis” “I’m not Louis” “No, your Louis Walsh” “No I’m Craig Revel Horwood” “Loved you on X Factor” “I’m from Strictly” “Are Tulisa and Kelly back next year?” “I’m not Louis” “Say potato” “I’m not Louis” “SAY POTATO LOUIS”. As much as he pretended to hate us, the hand he then placed on my lap suggested he enjoyed the banter. I can’t say I enjoyed the hand though and then started heckling Jason Donovan and Robbie Savage instead before our inevitable security removal.
Meeting Harry again a couple of hours later then made things get a little emotional as he referred to me as “McFly’s biggest male fan that isn’t weird”. Overwhelmed, the only response I could then conjure up after this was “WELL I HAVEN’T BEEN TO YOUR HOUSE IN ALMOST A YEAR” and I’m fairly sure the “isn’t weird” comment was then lost as he went back to his friends as I started shouting his address at him. Either way, it still made me smile.
The following day then consisted of a 14 hour drinking session on the streets with Stephen, once again following Craig around shouting “LOUIS WALSH” and once again meeting Harry. Back in Manchester then and back to real life; I of course didn’t have a job to go to the next morning so I went out and met J.D from Scrubs instead. Zach Braff is a lovely man. So lovely in fact I then went and met him 20 minutes later. And then a few hours after that. In all honesty I’m not even sure as to why I met him in the first place, I don’t even like Scrubs.
With no more celebrities around to fill the rest of my day up, I decided to simply harass the general public instead. Did you know Greg as in Greggs bakery is dead? Well I didn’t until I demanded the sales assistant brings him down to serve me my sausage roll personally whilst grabbing some food there. I also learnt the entire history of the store from how Greg died to his nephew Ian in Newcastle who’s now running the business. Fascinating, I know. Next I decided to showcase my pulling technique to Alan whilst birthday shopping for his girlfriend in Cath Kidston. Having a friend that’s avidly spent thousands buying every single piece of Cath shit she’s printed that same floral print on, I’ve somehow managed to learn the entire history of Cath simply through hanging around with her. Something I have since learnt does not impress girls. Whilst aimlessly roaming round the store, casually walking up to fellow shoppers and asking “DID YOU KNOW CATHS MUM AND DAD DIED OF CANCER?” certainly wasn’t how I expected to start conversation with these absolute strangers; but sadly this was all that came out. And even then when the comment was met with deadly silence bursting into a state of nervous laughter following a cancer comment once again didn’t go down well. Neither did asking the sales assistant if Caths considered bringing out a floral print femidom and throwing her a cheeky wink afterwards.
Other than that 2012 has been slightly uneventful. Happy New Year people that actually read this far down. And to the people that gave up half way through, I hope you have a shit year.
