I can’t be tamed

News broke last week MILEY CYRUS was coming to Endland to do one signing to launch her new clothing range, and where did she pick? …..ASDA in DERBY. Obviously I had to go, mainly just because of the hilarity that one of the world’s biggest stars was doing a signing at ASDA in DERBY!! Which as suspected, is a shit hole. We arrived first thing and there were about 100 kids in front of us in the queue, and by kids I mean, annoying high pitched infuriating little kids. Usually my tolerance for children is quite moderate, but when sleep deprivation is also apparent they soon drive you to the point of insanity. A brief visit from the truancy officer soon solved this problem after whipping the Iphone out and calling up the local schools, just doing my civic duty! The hours flew by as we cracked open some vodka and started making inappropriate jokes and references and screaming “YOU’RE PUSHING IN” at middle aged women, who were in fact, pushing in. bitches. We were having such a lovely time I’d pretty much forgot the depressing reality that we were in DERBY. Miley time soon came round, I had a whole list of funny innuendos and witty comments to say as I met her, covering everything from talking about her exposed breast at the recent EMA awards to making a joke about also having an affair with her mother if recent press is true, all of which were of course forgotten in the heat of the moment and all I could mumble out was HI MILEY. Had a nice little chat, she mentioned how she’s planning her next UK tour to be huuuuge compared to the last one, as I told her about all the times i’ve seen her live bla bla bla.

Here comes the fun part, if you’re familiar with my previous blogs you’ll know about the lying down game. A game originally founded on Facebook, where people would lie down in the most random of places and upload pictures online of them doing so. Over the recent months we’ve combined this with our stalking side and came up with the Lying Down Infront Of Mcflys Car game, where we basically lie in front of their car on the road as they try to leave somewhere. We find it hilarious, the band find it hilarious, people watching tend to find it hilarious. We decided it’d be equally hilarious to do this as Miley left the signing, we were wrong. Security screamed for people to make a passage for the car as it slowly left the gated area and approached the hoards of fans, people cheered and the crowd instantly formed into chaos as everyone started going crazy. We realized this was our time, I ran into the road and dived onto the floor with the girls behind me, the paparazzi flashed away at the car window as the fans rushed over to try catch a glimpse of their hero, before I could even chant the “WE” from “WE SHALL NOT BE MOVED” I was grabbed, pushed and held against a truck by 4 chaps. Don’t be fooled by the word “chaps” there, the warm friendly vibe you get from this word could not be more wrong, these men were BEASTS. Another 2 came over and also helped hold me against this truck. One of them screamed in my face “YOU TRYING TO KILL HER? YOU DICK HEAD” as he held me by the throat, no I replied in a confused voice. Had this man actually confused a simple game which requires lying down on the floor to be some kind of plot to kill Miley Cyrus? And did he generally think I had a penis on my head or was this insult some kind of method of asserting his masculine dominance in front of his work colleagues? This made no sense!! And most importantly, did they actually see me as so much of a threat that I required 6 full grown men to hold me back? As they gradually let go of me, shouting “HE TOUCHED ME INNAPROPRIATLY” at the one that called me a dick head probably wasn’t the best move, he certainly did not see the comical direction this was intended and grabbed me by the collar and dragged me down the road. As he eventually let go I started to stroll into the masses of fans to rejoin my friends, Miley was long gone by this point and I thought the drama was over. OH NO. A HUGE balding man, decided to get all up in my space and grab me by the collar and scream in my face “AM GONNA KNOCK YOU OUT”, I was genuinely confused and surprisingly not scared, all I could focus on was how the vein on his forehead would grow in size the angrier he became. “YOU KNOCKED MY DAUGHTER WHEN YOU WERE BANGING ON MILEYS WINDOW THEN”, as I tried to civilise with this man whom I was beginning to suspect was actually half man, half tank and inform him I was actually being sexually abused by a group of security officers down the road whilst this occurred. He failed to listen, even as the people around me started stating the fact that I was down the fucking road when this happened, he just proceeded in getting angrier. Security noticed the commotion and came over to investigate, and as he spoke to them I did the manly thing of running and getting the fuck away from this man whilst thinking to myself “I CAN’T BE TAMED!!!!”. I would love to of stayed longer and actually brought his parenting capabilities into our conversation, as taking a small child to a back road of a super market that’s freezing cold, pitch black and is currently in chaos as hundreds of people run around and scream in general hysteria really says FATHER OF THE YEAR to me, but I kept this to myself as I enjoy having teeth.

To sum up; Miley Cyrus was lovely, the lying down game can be misunderstood for attempted murder and I won’t be returning to DERBY anytime soon.